8 Basic, Bilious Book Club Truths

1. He who talks first never read the book.

2. You want zero members to drop out? Provide free food. You want to attract new members? Provide free booze.

3. No matter how long you give your members to read the book, 99% will finish it on book club night.

4. At the first meeting, make it a rule: We are not here to point out minor editing errors. Save that sh*t for your OCD self-help group.

5. Relying on the 'Book Club Questions' at the back of a book is like using fortune cookie quotes for dinner conversation -- dull and uninspired.

6. If an established author visits, one member will inevitably tell them what they could've/should've done differently with the book. This same member will later try to pitch their manuscript.

7. Choosing the next meeting's book is a 10 minute task which takes anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. Think about it: Madonna once bought a kid in the time it takes most clubs to agree on a title.

8. Last but not least, book clubs are like any other club -- they need some sort leadership. If your members disagree, make the next book club pick Lord of the Flies...and bring a pig's head to the meeting.

The 'club books not seals' tee is available here.